Posted on: Aug 21 2009
Plymouth: Some Observations
Loading ...Firstly let me apologise for my lack of communication. Unfortunately Life, the inconsiderate bastard, likes to get in the way right when I have plans. Pestilence also decided to raise his distorted melon of a head last week: I was unfortunately caught in the throes of food poisoning. I am now in complete sympathy with all dysentery-ridden pirates and laxative-taking supermodels everywhere.
So with no further ado, I shall get on with things in my usual lackadaisical manner.
I went to Plymouth for the weekend recently and spent some time in an all-you-can-eat buffet. In my humble opinion a place of this calibre is possibly one of the best gathering places for all the freakish specimens of the human race to congregate. It was much like a Serengeti watering-hole but with more blubber and less intelligence.
[For those of you that don’t know much about Plymouth, it is a moderately-sized city in the south-west of England notorious for brawling with [and beating] the Spanish Armada in the 16th century, and brawling with [and beating] one another from as long as I can remember. A naval-turned-university city, it is awash with drunken yobs, criminals and teenage mums as well as sailors, students and hippies. Its achievements include being voted the Worst-Dressed City and having one of the ugliest buildings in Britain . It is also rather too close to Cornwall, which as we all know is positioned at the rather thin end of the stick when it comes to genetic diversity.]
Not pictured: genetic diversity
As I grazed my merry way through several succulent Chinese dishes [little did I know the havoc this meal would later cause to my digestive system], I made a list of observations about the rest of the clientele over an approximate half-hour period, and here is what I discovered [reproduced almost verbatim]:
’19:04 – Man in queue with face too small for skull. Overly curly hair and double-chin. Slight resemblance to a retarded Leo Sayer.’
’19:05 – A disturbing amount of what can only be described as female whales in here, all massing around the buffet selection. Best get Greenpeace here quick: the poor things need saving before the Japanese spot them and try to claim them for ‘research purposes’.’
’19:05 – I shit you not there is a proper slack-jawed hillbilly type in here. It’s like a scene from Deliverance. And it’s putting me off my food.’
’19:12 – A young girl that looks rather unfortunately for her, like Martin Clunes. I believe this is something known as foetal alcohol syndrome.’
’19:15 – A Ross Kemp lookalike has just shambled in. He looks rather confused. Maybe he’s only just realised he’s not in Eastenders any more.’
’19:19 – Oh. My. God. A ‘woman’ [I use the term loosely] whose blubbery belly hangs below her fucking pelvis. I’m feeling rather nauseous now. Thank god I didn’t choose the pork.’
’19:20 – A gaggle of orange-skinned female youths whose skin tones are much the same as the fish eggs that adorn the outside of the California roll I’m just about to pop in my mouth. I think I’ll leave that one for later, eh?’
’19:21 – There is actually a girl wearing a swimming costume with her jeans. She looks furtive: she’s obviously hoping nobody’ll notice. In all honesty most of the half-blind fuckwits in here wouldn’t but I’m rather more blessed in the chromosome department I feel. National Geographic would have a field day.’
’19:22 – A man, mid-50s, with hair exactly like James May from Top Gear, but uglier. This is something that never fails to amuse me.’
’19:24 – A double-whammy of misshapenness! A gentleman with a bottom lip fatter than Jamie Oliver’s AND an impressive underbite”
’19:24 – As if to counteract the underbite we now have a man with NO CHIN in the queue. Where the Jesus titty-fucking Christ are all these freaks coming from? I blame it on the weather. And Plymouth being too close to Cornwall.’
’19:25 – A woman with arms rather too short for her body. If not just a disproportioned woman, she is definitely the world’s tallest dwarf.’
These were her eHarmony matches
’19:29 – Somebody please shoot me. Another blubbery cowpat of a being with a belly that covers her pelvis.’
’19:30 – What can only be described as a group of cabbages wearing condoms has just lumbered into view through the front doors. All female. Sadly my positioning is such that I get ghastly great eyefuls of the clientele whether I like it or not.’
Even the waiters feel the need to protect themselves from possible contamination with these freaks of nature
’19:33 – Woman with posh hair-do. Doesn’t detract from the fact that her eyes are way too far apart. She looks like a cow with a chignon.’
’19:41 – I pray that I’m going to be struck with sudden blindness. A young girl dressed completely in neon orange and shoes several sizes too big has clattered into view. Please remove your vile person from my sight, you are giving me a migraine. (Amusingly there is a man right behind her with what looks like a ballbag on the back of his ox-like neck).’
’19:46 – There is a man in here that looks exactly like one of those artists’ impressions of a Neanderthal: he has a receding forehead, very prominent brows and a thick set neck. Is also wearing the customary scowl and appears not to be able to use cutlery with any modicum of success…’
At this point I suffered a complete and irreversible breakdown. Even now as I write I am surrounded by burly nurses and being strapped firmly to a potty chair. They only let me have this laptop because I promised to blow one of them later.
A word of warning: don’t go to any all-you-can-eat buffets in Plymouth, lest you want to suffer like I did. Actually, best not to go to Plymouth at all. Unless of course you’re returning to the mother-is-also-your-sister-and-your-wifeland.
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Haha oh Lord.. i laughed so hard i had to be restrained by the men in white coats.
Edit: I read it again. And again and again. Great story. I’ll be posting one of my own soon as well.. no hurries though.. write in your own time
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you are so talented.
what’s best is that you use big, intelligent words which make it even more funnier.
my absolute favourite line …
” It was much like a Serengeti watering-hole but with more blubber and less intelligence”
you had my laughing in hysterics..honestly you’re brilliant
….
btw i know what you’re doing next year
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Shit blog entry, trying to be clever and smug but failing miserably. Hiding your lack of writing skills and originality with insults to people minding their own business is pretty poor. If you were stupid enough to go to Plymouth thinking it was a place of high society full of intellectuals and wonderfully creative people the last place you would encounter them is at an all you can eat Chinese buffet which would appeal to people a bit more working class and less educated than yourself.
Sorry about your food poisoning, Karma’s a bitch isnt it?
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Darling, I’m Plymouth born and bred. If anyone is best-placed to make insincere mockery of these people then I think I’m pretty well qualified. I have no idea what’s rattled your cage.
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So Unkle, what’s your beef?
Having lived in Plymouth for 15 years, and spending about 10 of them trying to escape from that cesspit, I can assure you that Moonpocket’s observational satire is spot on here. The same probably applies everywhere, certainly in any large town or city, and what Moonpocket is trying to say here is that these are the sort of stereotypes that can be found gathering around the tables of any ‘eat-until-you’re-stuffed-immobile’ restaurants – I have witnessed very similar around here, too. Stereotypes like these have always been mocked and that won’t change anytime soon.
But does that give you the right to be so vitriolic here? I don’t think so. Simple constructive criticism would have sufficed rather than trying to rip Moonpocket a new one. I enjoyed the article, it made me laugh, simply because I recognised similar people from my expeditions to such establishments here. All you did was to make yourself out to be a humorless, spiteful person and I am sure that was not your intent. If you didn’t like the article, you could have ignored it and gone on to the next one… that’s what I do…
And btw, I, too, would be considered a ‘stereotype’. I just happen to be a bald-headed, very heavily-tattooed guy who wears black all the time. I am sure there are many who would consider me a figure of fun, but quite honestly, such things don’t bother me in the least….
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Hehe. You can see why unkle won the ‘Bastard of the Year’ award this year. He’s good at pressing buttons obviously
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Well not really. Didn’t press my buttons but it certainly pissed off whoever Azrael is… Anyway there’s being a bastard and then there’s being a bastard for the sake of it, which isn’t actually necessary.
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Well.. don’t despair.. I met Ged by fighting on IRC with her for a month or two… im sure you guys will get on like a maison en flambe.
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Yeah it does, if you cant take it dont dish it, does the author of this ‘entry’ have any right to be vitriolic to the people in her article? And I quote:
‘19:19 – Oh. My. God. A ‘woman’ [I use the term loosely] whose blubbery belly hangs below her fucking pelvis. I’m feeling rather nauseous now. Thank god I didn’t choose the pork.’
AND THEN the author has the cheek to say this “Anyway there’s being a bastard and then there’s being a bastard for the sake of it, which isn’t actually necessary.” look lady, you write an article that makes you out to be a complete and utter smarmy bitch sitting in an all you can eat chinese restaurant giving your own personal critique on people eating there with some quite unpolite comments such as:
‘19:24 – A double-whammy of misshapenness! A gentleman with a bottom lip fatter than Jamie Oliver’s AND an impressive underbite”
‘19:12 – A young girl that looks rather unfortunately for her, like Martin Clunes. I believe this is something known as foetal alcohol syndrome.’
And then you have the FUCKING CHEEK to say I have NO GOD GIVEN RIGHT to be a bastard myself?
Jog on.
(oh I apologise for the comment about food poisoning it wasnt nice of me to say that)
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Now now, children.. kiss and make up plz
It’s all in good fun here.
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bastards.
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