Listen, ladies. No offense, but let’s get a few things straight here. Believing what magazines and other women tell you about keeping a good relationship is pure bullshit. Believing it will make you as empty and vacant as the soul of a McDonalds corporate executive.

I was in the train and I read an article in a woman’s magazine that exalted the ‘Top 10 ways to please your man coming from a wife of almost 9 years’ and it made me want to vomit. No, I didn’t have anything else to read.

Therefore I bring you tips to finally understand your guy, from a guy who doesn’t give a damn and whom you don’t know.

Most REAL MEN care only about 10 things. Anyone telling you differently is lying his/her ass off and trying to fuck you over. OK, I’m trying to fuck you over as well, but that’s besides the point. I don’t lie. I’ll tell you this up front, in your face.

Let’s start the list, shall we?

10) Men like porn.

My advice: Let the guy keep his porn collection. It’ll keep him quiet and away from other women.

9) Men like food.

My advice: Cook the bastard dinner. Men think better with a full stomach.

Men like drugs and/or beer.

My advice: give him his fill of intoxicants.

7) Men like you not nagging.

My advice: leave the toilet seat up, for gods sakes.

6) Men like technology.

My advice: Let him indulge in technology.

5) Men like games.

My advice: let him murder his friends and live in his imaginary world.

4) Men like rude humour.

My advice: put up with it. It won’t hurt your precious feelings. Much.

3) Men like blowjobs.

My advice: oral sex. Lots of it.

2) Men like attractive women.

My advice: go to the gym, fatso.

1) Men like sex.

My advice: Copious amounts of it.

And that’s it, ladies… my little contribution to your understanding of men and what they like. Love us or leave us. Now go cook me dinner and let me drink my beer.

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