It’s summer and all the bitches and bastards are out at the beach trying to have a good time. This girl got more than she bargained for with the coolest ‘Blob Jump’ ever.

This is why…

Fucking awesome.

Listen, ladies. No offense, but let’s get a few things straight here. Believing what magazines and other women tell you about keeping a good relationship is pure bullshit. Believing it will make you as empty and vacant as the soul of a McDonalds corporate executive.

I was in the train and I read an article in a woman’s magazine that exalted the ‘Top 10 ways to please your man coming from a wife of almost 9 years’ and it made me want to vomit. No, I didn’t have anything else to read.

Therefore I bring you tips to finally understand your guy, from a guy who doesn’t give a damn and whom you don’t know.

Most REAL MEN care only about 10 things. Anyone telling you differently is lying his/her ass off and trying to fuck you over. OK, I’m trying to fuck you over as well, but that’s besides the point. I don’t lie. I’ll tell you this up front, in your face.

Let’s start the list, shall we?

10) Men like porn.

My advice: Let the guy keep his porn collection. It’ll keep him quiet and away from other women.

9) Men like food.

My advice: Cook the bastard dinner. Men think better with a full stomach.

Men like drugs and/or beer.

My advice: give him his fill of intoxicants.

7) Men like you not nagging.

My advice: leave the toilet seat up, for gods sakes.

6) Men like technology.

My advice: Let him indulge in technology.

5) Men like games.

My advice: let him murder his friends and live in his imaginary world.

4) Men like rude humour.

My advice: put up with it. It won’t hurt your precious feelings. Much.

3) Men like blowjobs.

My advice: oral sex. Lots of it.

2) Men like attractive women.

My advice: go to the gym, fatso.

1) Men like sex.

My advice: Copious amounts of it.

And that’s it, ladies… my little contribution to your understanding of men and what they like. Love us or leave us. Now go cook me dinner and let me drink my beer.

Brilliant stop-motion animation lego fight.

Here’s a picture of an 1800 year old roman statue proving Elvis has always lived.

The New York Post reports:

The resemblance is so uncanny that one can almost see the country crooner’s famous lip snarl and hear the twang of an acoustic guitar in the background.

Read the whole story here.

Let’s get serious lads and ladies. You’re terrible at getting a partner. I’ve been the witness of loads of bad attempts at starting a relationship over the internet and frankly, most of you excel at it. I’ve had loads of (reasonably satisfying) relationships with internet sweethearts and married one of them, so I think I have a right giving you lonely losers some advice on this subject. On the other hand, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes as well, so you might as well learn from the master.

Here’s a list of Don’ts for internet dating…

1) Don’t go for sloppy seconds.

If your date has just come out of a bad relationship or has just broken up with their old flame, don’t jump in and try to be the ‘new kid on the block’. Chances are they’ll still be fucked up by the breakup and this will ruin both your chances of having a good time.

2) Don’t mislead your potential target.

Internet dating is exciting because you can find out what the other person is like before you actually meet. Don’t act like you’re Don Juan / A hot pornstar. Don’t send them pictures of yourself which are misleading or show you in a dark room. And most of all don’t reflect their insane fetishes. Saying: “YEAH, I LIKE U2 TOO!” isn’t going to go down well if it’s not true. Best be honest.

3) Don’t act all ‘lovey dovey’ on the chat channel / forum.

This will cause the inevitable shit to hit the inevitable fan when/if you break up. I have a list of quotes as long as my arm which will make certain people from our #English chat channel cringe years later and ask themselves how the hell they could’ve been so stupid.

4) Don’t expect a stable relationship.

People on the internet are by definition not stable. You can hope for stability, but don’t expect it. The most unstable minds can act like the stablest ones online and when she’s standing over you at night with a knife in one hand and a tear soaked rag in the other it’ll be too late.

5) Don’t be surprised if it goes tits up.

Relationships are emotional events. When it goes wrong, just shrug and get on with your life. Remember, ladies: men are notoriously bad at taking rejection. Don’t act like the village slut when it’s over. Sure, other guy whose cock you’re mongling won’t care but it’ll ruin the fun for the rest of the crowd who has to deal with the sullen sod you leave behind when you and Mr. New-dick are out shagging your brains out in a pub toilet.

6) When it does go tits up, don’t set your friends up against them.

Watch out here, men. Ladies are great at this. ‘Nuff said.

7) Don’t let yourself be jerked around.

If the woman/man of your dreams doesn’t agree to meet you, consider yourself lucky. Perhaps they’re not worth the attention you want to lavish on them.

Don’t brag to everyone and their dog you fucked your new lover.

This is not just bad form, but sets your partner up for endless queries, private messages and such because now everyone thinks you’re dating a slut who will let you get to 3rd base the first night. Besides, only people who aren’t experienced go around bragging about having sex. You == virgin.

A final word of advice: be yourself. If you’re an uncaring lowlife prick like me, act like it. You will find a partner who thinks you’ve got a heart of gold just ever so slightly disappointed when you rip off their clothes in the 2-star hotel room that smells vaguely of piss and broken promisses. Your partner should reflect what you are: a fucker.

That is all for now. Enjoy your hand.

We always knew the Canadians were too nice…

It’s time for another article about stupid people. Stupid people in New Zealand, this time; particularly parents.

A Judge has ruled that a 9 year old girl named ‘Talula does the Hula from Hawaii’ be remanded in the care of the court so she can change her name.

BBC News reports:

Judge Rob Murfitt said that the name embarrassed the nine-year-old and could expose her to teasing.

Apparently this is a trend in New Zealand with approved names having been given to infants ranging from Violence, Number 16 Bus Shelter, Midnight Chardonnay to the twins Benson and Hedges (a famous cigarette manufacturer).

How stupid do you have to be to name your child Number 16 Bus Shelter? I’d be guessing pretty idiotic. Not only are you giving them a social trauma in school but you’re also making it impossible for them to find a job later on in life.

Hi, my name is Violence. I would like to apply for a job as child care assistant.

Enough said? I think so.

There’s some lovely related vids as well.